Bittersweet feelings...

Okay, so you know the feeling of bittersweetness...?? Ya, that is how I have been feeling the whole day. One minute I am super happy, the next I am just depressed, moping about my life. I haven't really been able to feel the joy and relaxation of the semester ending, or be able to focus on anything else other then the fact that my emotions are crazy.


I had no idea what is wrong with me until a couple minutes ago when I sat down to type a text to a dear friend of mine who left for home yesterday night. So now that I realize the problem, just like all the other times before, I am going to write it down on here so I can keep myself sane, and hopefully when you read this, you can learn a little something too. =) 


And the reason is that I am not ready to move on. Not only that, I don't know HOW to move on. I love it that my finals are over, and my apartment is finally cleaned, and my stuff is safely moved back into my home, but I feel completely lost as to where to go from here. I just barely finished 3 semesters up at BYU, Provo. 3 semesters seems like a long time, but for me, it passed by in a blink of a eye. This Friday when I woke up, I looked in the mirror, and asked myself "where has time gone?!" I had so many great experiences these past 9 months, I am just not ready to let it go, and continue onto something new. 


During the school year, I always had an idea of how each day was going to go. No matter how hard or long the day or week was going to go, I had a regular fitted schedule to follow. I wake up in the morning, get ready for the new day. Finish the homework I didn't do the night before, catch the bus to campus, and go to my classes. After my last class get out, go to library to do homework, ride the bus home, dinner, do more homework and studying, and hopefully end the night off hanging out with a friend or two. Sounds pretty amazing doesn't it? I love having a schedule, and knowing what each and every day was going to consist of..more or less. =)  


But now, I don't have a regular schedule anymore. It just seems like all of a sudden, the ghost of college endings came up behind me, and stole everything away. All that I have gotten used to, and all the new people that I have become so close to and love isn't around me anymore. I don't have a school schedule to follow, and I don't have my social life as it was like before. It really seems like I am that girl again from the beginning of the fall semester. Lost, and confused. But this time, it's worst because I lost something I truly fell in love with. Something that I thought i would never care for. Something that has made everything I've gone through the last 9 months all worth it. My wonderful College Life, including all of it's wonderful opportunity, and people. 


I know, I know,  it isn't gone forever. And I know that no matter what, everything that I have experienced over the last 9 months won't be gone. It will be forever in me, changing me and molding me. It will be the experiences that I will keep my whole life, and the knowledge I have gain from that past 9 months will never be gone.  

Love these people! =) 

Even though I know that in four months I will be living it all over again, it will never be the same. I can truly say, without a doubt, that these past 9 months has been the best 9 months of my life. I have made so many close friends with so many awesome people, and learned so many different lessons, it is truly a time I will cherish and love for the rest of my life. So now that it's over, what am I going to do? 


To tell you the truth, I really don't know. The ending came so suddenly, and someone somewhere just pushed the 'pause' button on my college life a little too soon. I haven't figured out where I am going, and what I am actually going to do. I haven't thought through my plans for summer, and how I am going to just keep peace in my family, and in my life. So many different decisions and choices I need to make, but i have no idea where to start.


It's sad, but sometimes, no matter in what situations we are in, we tend to feel a little lost. I know that for me, even if it isn't something as large as moving home from college, and starting something all over again, I still feel lost. Still feel like that no matter what new and exciting thing is happening, everything is falling out of control. And it's that feeling that I dislike the most. 


A couple days ago I was talking to one of my really awesome friends, and we just got onto the topic of how we feel like that no matter how hard we try it seems like our lives are just spiraling, and flying out of our control. Everything that we knew, everything that we have gotten used to is just gone. And we both don't like that at all. In fact, we hate it. It's a terrible feeling when you realize that no matter how hard you try, you just don't have enough strength or wisdom to control your own life. 

Scary!

It seems though, as human beings, we all like to plan out every single moments of our lives. We like to feel as we are in control. We tend to sit down and just analyze everything that has happened over and over again. We try to fix situations that we dislike, and change the future according to our will. And if we were in a fairytale land, usually things will happen according to our will, but we are not.  Here in the real world, the more we try, the more we fail. The more we think and analyze situations, the more confusing things tend to become. And sooner or later we just find ourselves sad, depressed, and tired about our lives because nothing is going 'as planned'. 


We have to realize that just because we want something to happen, it doesn't mean it's going to happen. Nothing is ever going to happen exactly as we 'plan' for. There will be changes, and there will be trials. There will be time when everything seems dark, and there are no clear direction of where to go. There are times when things are going out of control, and it seems like there is just nothing you can do. It's during those times when we just have to let our Lord guide us through. To just take a step back, and put it in his hands.

Plans for life?? haha....ya... 

My friend and I decided that no matter how hard it is, and how weak we feel about our lives, we just have to leave it at the Lord's will and strength.  We have to let the Lord guide our next move, no matter where it will take us. We need him to show us our next step before we can take it. Because if we try it on our own, we might as well be walking in the same step place over and over again. And sometimes letting things go from our control is even better then going in circles, never making any progress. 


Even though our lives is our own to live, we all want to make it the best we can. And in order to do that, we need the Lord's light in front of us at all times. We just need to realize that even though we really want something to happen right away, and in the exact way that we want it, it doesn't usually work out that way. He knows what is the best for us, and because of His love, He'll guides us to the exact place we need to go as long as we listen to him. 


Being lost and confused is a normal part of life. NO matter how much we hate it, and how much it scares us, in the end it will just make us better people. I know that even though right now everything seems dark, and the road ahead of me seems scary, it will all be okay. We might not know where we am going now, and we might not like where our lives are at, but if we only trust in the Lord, he will give all of us a way out. He will show us the next step. We don't have to do that for ourselves. Because in the grand scheme of things, he has already done it for all of us. 

I know that no matter what you are going though, you will be okay. I truly believe that. No matter how hard it is to remind myself of that, I know that to be true. As I always say, the Lord doesn't give us anything that we can't handle. Most of the time I forget that too. I don't remember the positive side of things. It's during those times when the world seem especially dark. But when I do start to remember the Lord's help and strength, it gets so much easier.  And I hope you will remember that too. 


Seriously though, I know that I will miss every single part of my college life in Provo. I will miss all of my friends, and all of the freedom I had. I can't believe I am saying this, but I am sure that I will miss all the work, and stress that comes with it too. =) I am just weird like that. I know that the next 4 months will be hard and scary, but I am ready to face it on. I am ready for the Lord to be my light. I am ready for him to show me the next step, because I know that no matter what happens, or how strong I think I am, I just can't get myself to where I need to go next. 


So now, instead of holding on to the past, I am going to let it sink into my memory forever. I am going to love it and cherish it. but I am also going to start looking forward, and try my best to let the Lord guide my way. Instead of always trying and pushing for my own way, I guess I will just let the Lord pick me up, and get me where I am needed to go. In the end, no matter what I think or want, it just doesn't matter. All that matters is what He thinks, and where He wants me to go.  And you know what? As hard as that is, I think I will be okay with that. 


I hope that you will try your best also to remember the Lord's light when you need it. Let him guide you. Let him help you. He wants to. He is right there. Just step back, and let him take hold. =) Don't try to push against him, because whenever we do, we always lose. To be happy, we just need to let Him take charge, and show us OUR next step. Whatever the trials and issues in your life, no matter how lost you feel, you are never lost beyond to Lord's light. Just try your best. Because as always, I am! 


Love,
Q2